A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
