I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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