Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
