you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
