dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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