Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
