Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
