I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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