fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
