How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
