just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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