Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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