I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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