We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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