I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
