The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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