The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
