I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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