I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
