Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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