im so drunk with asians
where?
always
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
