dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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