My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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