Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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