It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
