Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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