i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
