mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just had sex on a roof
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
