all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
