I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
