I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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