Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sext me about skeletons
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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