went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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