Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
