Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
