I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
