why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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