Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
