my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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