I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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