omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
