I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
