Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
