The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Less talking, more tequila
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
