WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
