You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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