While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"