White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
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I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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