My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
