I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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