Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
