I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
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i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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