You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
