just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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