If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
