You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
