...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
