Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
