"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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