Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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